Friday, July 18, 2008

some theories

i have some theories to what possibly led to this episode. my life for the next 2 weeks is mainly centered online, as i cannot walk until the "maga" on my spine subsides, it has compressed some nerves, making walking, sitting, standing - so rudimentary and basic motions, simply painful. my neurologists calls it spinal stenosis with some problems with my L1 to L3 (vertebrae numbers). now i am stuck to this orthobed which as hard as sleeping on the floor. i am so whiny.

the cause of my muscle spasms is my constant WRITING, my constant hours EDITING, my endless addiction to the laptop. Being stuck with one position for too long is not good, the spine to protect itself from further injury will create these spasms. so WORK, enslavement to long hours with very little pay has lead me to the hospital plus spinal rehab therapy.

again, matigas ulo ko, i am blogging again. i can't resist. 3 hours of staring at the ceiling will drive me crazy, 15 hours doped out on valium and xanax makes me feel like a zombie. worst i think i had a reaction to the tramadol. i am a monkey typing with one hand supported by massive pillows. memento mori, i am so faced with my mortality now, hell, it has been an interesting life so far.

there were 3 deaths every week last May, my fave uncle George from a stroke complication. My cousin from a battle with brain cancer for almost 4 years. He fell and hit his head hard during a basketball game. The resulting 'bukol' got surgically drained, but grew back into a cancerous mass. His wife left him and on his funeral she refused to let his son attend. ipinagdamot pa, such heartlessness caused greater pain for the tayag clan.

but my emotional theory on what led to my bodily breakdown perhaps has more to do with her death which i took so hard and to this day to heart. i sorely miss her. she was my mother, when my own mother was a stranger to me while growing up. my mama let was larger than life and a lot of people loved her, and people came to her funeral in troves and she wasn't even a politician. she died a month ago from kidney failure and complications from diabetes. i wish i had given her a better life. i think that is my great regret.


This is my second MRI in three years, and to be inside that thing, is like close to being buried alive. Once inside the tube, I make it a point not to open my eyes, it can easily trigger claustrophobia. Imagine the space between your nose and the wall of the tube are just one centimeter apart. You see no one and hear the plotter chart a course of your body, drumming out a whole pinikpikan-like chorus next to your ears. There is no pain involved, just a lot of anxiety lying there for 30 minutes, wondering if the end result will unveil the start of my demise.

Again, I am lucky.

My first MRI of the brain, showed no mass , but scarring. My neurologist then assured me, I have a lovely brain. So the cause per se of my blackouts are not really clear, again it is an x-file, one of those chronic things the body does to protect itself. My neck curvature had straightened, so everything is attributed to muscle spasm. My second MRI this year, to my lumbar spine, showed 3 bulging discs, but enough to cause pain or alarm. Again, everything is about muscle spasms to my spine and what do you know, they discovered I had inborn levioscoliosis. To which, the mri doctor declares I am lucky that the curvature hasn't changed a bit since birth.

I think my whole hospital trauma wasn't much on the spine pain I had to deal with. But with my stay at the ER to which I witnessed 2 deaths and an actual defibliration. wow those things really zap people to life.

what struck me most, is that there is so much kindness among pinoys, they like praying over or offering prayers to strangers. It happened twice to me. First by a doctor, then second by an old devout catholic lola who insisted I take her Mother Mary rose petal oils to rub on my back. She had time enough to convince me while her husband was being transfused with blood with all these thick needles on his arms.

The nurses are so unbelievably young and hot, they have these nice florence-nightingale like uniforms, the cut is very vintage. and my attending er physician, happened to be my old blockmate from UST, i think we were in botany class together. i was in good hands.

im glad Mkti med is finally doing renovations, gawd their wards are so old, you would think it was a provincial hospital ward from the 70s. for the same price, you'd get a nice hotel-like semi-private room in Medical city which feels like a modern day airport.

i guess it was a matter of timing that i won some cash from the Viva PBO thing, cause every penny went to my hospital bills. what irony.