some theories

i have some theories to what possibly led to this episode. my life for the next 2 weeks is mainly centered online, as i cannot walk until the "maga" on my spine subsides, it has compressed some nerves, making walking, sitting, standing - so rudimentary and basic motions, simply painful. my neurologists calls it spinal stenosis with some problems with my L1 to L3 (vertebrae numbers). now i am stuck to this orthobed which as hard as sleeping on the floor. i am so whiny.

the cause of my muscle spasms is my constant WRITING, my constant hours EDITING, my endless addiction to the laptop. Being stuck with one position for too long is not good, the spine to protect itself from further injury will create these spasms. so WORK, enslavement to long hours with very little pay has lead me to the hospital plus spinal rehab therapy.

again, matigas ulo ko, i am blogging again. i can't resist. 3 hours of staring at the ceiling will drive me crazy, 15 hours doped out on valium and xanax makes me feel like a zombie. worst i think i had a reaction to the tramadol. i am a monkey typing with one hand supported by massive pillows. memento mori, i am so faced with my mortality now, hell, it has been an interesting life so far.

there were 3 deaths every week last May, my fave uncle George from a stroke complication. My cousin from a battle with brain cancer for almost 4 years. He fell and hit his head hard during a basketball game. The resulting 'bukol' got surgically drained, but grew back into a cancerous mass. His wife left him and on his funeral she refused to let his son attend. ipinagdamot pa, such heartlessness caused greater pain for the tayag clan.

but my emotional theory on what led to my bodily breakdown perhaps has more to do with her death which i took so hard and to this day to heart. i sorely miss her. she was my mother, when my own mother was a stranger to me while growing up. my mama let was larger than life and a lot of people loved her, and people came to her funeral in troves and she wasn't even a politician. she died a month ago from kidney failure and complications from diabetes. i wish i had given her a better life. i think that is my great regret.

Crestfallen

This is my second MRI in three years, and to be inside that thing, is like close to being buried alive. Once inside the tube, I make it a point not to open my eyes, it can easily trigger claustrophobia. Imagine the space between your nose and the wall of the tube are just one centimeter apart. You see no one and hear the plotter chart a course of your body, drumming out a whole pinikpikan-like chorus next to your ears. There is no pain involved, just a lot of anxiety lying there for 30 minutes, wondering if the end result will unveil the start of my demise.

Again, I am lucky.

My first MRI of the brain, showed no mass , but scarring. My neurologist then assured me, I have a lovely brain. So the cause per se of my blackouts are not really clear, again it is an x-file, one of those chronic things the body does to protect itself. My neck curvature had straightened, so everything is attributed to muscle spasm. My second MRI this year, to my lumbar spine, showed 3 bulging discs, but enough to cause pain or alarm. Again, everything is about muscle spasms to my spine and what do you know, they discovered I had inborn levioscoliosis. To which, the mri doctor declares I am lucky that the curvature hasn't changed a bit since birth.

I think my whole hospital trauma wasn't much on the spine pain I had to deal with. But with my stay at the ER to which I witnessed 2 deaths and an actual defibliration. wow those things really zap people to life.

what struck me most, is that there is so much kindness among pinoys, they like praying over or offering prayers to strangers. It happened twice to me. First by a doctor, then second by an old devout catholic lola who insisted I take her Mother Mary rose petal oils to rub on my back. She had time enough to convince me while her husband was being transfused with blood with all these thick needles on his arms.

The nurses are so unbelievably young and hot, they have these nice florence-nightingale like uniforms, the cut is very vintage. and my attending er physician, happened to be my old blockmate from UST, i think we were in botany class together. i was in good hands.

im glad Mkti med is finally doing renovations, gawd their wards are so old, you would think it was a provincial hospital ward from the 70s. for the same price, you'd get a nice hotel-like semi-private room in Medical city which feels like a modern day airport.

i guess it was a matter of timing that i won some cash from the Viva PBO thing, cause every penny went to my hospital bills. what irony.

Filipino Short at the 9th Seoul International Film Festival (Senef)

In downtown Manila, a man spends his afternoon waxing his floor to a
good shine. This is what encompasses the whole 7 mins of the short
film, Bunot(Husk).

Bunot (Husk) is directed by Ivy Baldoza and is currently in
competition at the 9th Seoul International Film Festival- Short Film
Category. From 820 applications of short works from 40 countries, 90
works from 17 countries were selected for the 2008 roster. The
International Competition listing may be viewed at
http://senef.net/senef_2008en/program/program_main.php?cd=201

Screenings will be held at the SpongeHouse Joongang 2 theater on June
5th – June 11th in Seoul, followed by online screenings of the
international competition roster on the SIFF website from June 5th –
August 15th.

SIFF formerly known as SeNef highlights the developments,
opportunities and challenges presented by digital technologies to
artists and the industry. It serves as a presentation platform for
filmmakers and technologists to share and exchange ideas,
contributing in its own way to the worldwide community of evolving
cinematic art forms. For more information visit SIFF at
http://senef.net

Adrift on Another Short

this is a project based on mental tabs and notetaking at odd hours. this was also the secret shell i would hide in, to forget about the impending grief in the family -someone close to me in a terminal state; a long, hard wait for that last breath that would free her from all the pain in this world.

i wanted this short to grow on its own and this is where it had gotten me. i am pleased with it, on a personal level this is what i wanted. life in urban manila, not in the outskirts, but where our generation often is, working and tied to an office chair, a slave to routine.

the whole process of shooting was a matter of chance. thanks to Janus, I got Jen to agree to play the part of the girl perennially waiting or Arvin to come home to their love nest. if it wasn't meeting Arvin in Berlin, I would have never gotten him to play the part. arvin is a very funny guy who likes to shock the Africans at the BTC off with his supposed bolitas. a daring bluff and absurd point of conversation, but arvin's persona is just like that, unpredictable- he seems to feed off the attention or he's just crazy to be in character all the time. that's just my opinion anyways.

i'm taking my time with this short, its all about missed connections and creating new ones at different tangents; its about being miserable, heartbroken and broke.

Midori Hirano provides the ethereal tracks for the short. Her dreamy music sums up a lot of the mood and emotions I want to convey. she is a japanese electronic artist who loves to blend computer textures with traditional music by way of piano, cello, violin, guitar and digital equipment. I got to talk to her while waiting to get into the Dine and Shine event, my fingers were freezing, and our breaths were vapors trailing away into the cold air. Midori opted to leave the last minute, catching the next bus to the japanese embassy. there were a lot of maybes and possibilities back then.

i'm in post right now, i'm trying to see if i need more shots of Jen. I feel there isn't enough of her in good light. There were two shooting days where the weather was extremely cloudy.

there isn't any conclusion to the narrative of "the measure of space between A and B", just a long drawn out process of reflecting and absorbing, just like grief, until you learn to accept it for what it is.

Out of breath and still swimming

A lot of what I do is pretty much a self-serving experiment, but if it gets shown somewhere. I still suffer much for it. When I made this short it was to compensate for a very weak portfolio, I pretty much only had one short to show for. I'm gunning for three by June, I feel very manic lately, I need more eggs in the basket. Its all about getting that door to further open while my foot is still stuck there, haplessly bleeding. I think its my good fortune people have been nothing, but nice lately.

Now with SIFF, I need to get an HD tape transfer, I think that's the part I didn't expect at this point. I only have a few days left to get this done and I'm tearing my hair out.

2 Stephens & 2 Mikes at the BTC 6

I just got the BTC programme sched today and yay! I really have to hold my breath now and I am so overwhelmed, more like blown away. Much of the interesting talks and lectures collide at the same hour, so I guess its really a matter of choosing where you want to be and who you want to hear from the most. For the In the Limelight series are two British directors, Stephen Daldry (Billy Elliot, the Hours) will be discussing the art of filmic adaptation of novels while Mike Leigh (Vera Drake, Happy-Go-Lucky) will talk about his method of improvisation. There has been a slew of biopics the past year, so I'm not surprised that there's a lecture on biographical films, in the forum would be Stephen Frears (The Queen, High Fidelity) along with French actress Sandrine Bonnaire and filmmaker, Bernd Eichinger. Also in attendance in various lectures and events are Mike Figgis, István Szabó, Alex McDowell, Gustavo Santaolalla, Julie Delphy, Maria Schrader and Wim Wenders.

The overall theme for this year is “Screening emotions”- not that I lack any, maybe it would do me some good to immerse in it =) I look forward to the lectures on the Dark Side of Cinema and the showcase on Short Films Expand Cinema.

January with Janus

The whole process of securing your visa and other travel requirements at short notice has really maxxed me out. Its a nerve wracking experience, there's a certain feeling of dread whether you're really going or not. So there is no real cause to celebrate till you have your passport, visa, plane tickets, travel insurance, pocket money and yes - a map around Berlin, completely secured.

I have found it difficult the most the last two weeks. Most of the flights to Berlin are booked, prices have soared, work tasks are left piling up and tensions run high at home. Realistically, you can't expect everyone in your life to understand what a filmmaking talent campus is and what the BTC experience would mean to a filmmaker in southeast asia. We don't have much options around here do we? the most fun would be to chug beers at free embassy sponsored screenings =)

Alongside this, I also had to really work on my script and the pitches for the one-on-one with script mentor, Franz Rodenkirchen of the Berlin Script House. I can't wait to meet him. I'm familiar with one of his script projects- Hotel by Jessica Hausner which was part of the 2004 Cannes - Un Certain Regard roster. I found this film very atmospheric and emotionally understated, like all that air of mystery is holding every emotion back. Well, what can i say? Dark corridors leave me very distressed.

---

Some Tips in Traveling for the Berlinale Talent Campus
I'm sharing this because we went through a lot just getting there and almost NOT getting there is heartbreaking enough!

When you get the email from the Berlinale Talent Campus, don't celebrate just yet, better get on the phone and book a flight.

Most of the flights near and during the festival date get fully book once mid-January sets in. Securing a seat on a flight won't cost you a penny just yet. The important thing is, you have a seat available.

The prices will vary per airline and travel agency. I would suggest Royal Travels located at Sunvar plaza in Makati Cinema Square and Caravan Travels in Ayala for the Travel Insurance. Pero kung may suki ka na travel agency, e di go for it.

Okay the initial cost, you would have to shell out would be P300-P500 bucks for a certified copy of your flight itinerary from your travel agency. You would need this document on the next step which is calling the Germany embassy hotline.

Book an appointment with the embassy.
There is a PLDT hotline for this, setting an appointment is easier now and the interviews are scheduled through a database system. PLDT will charge a hefty per minute rate with the call center agent that will take your call. Make sure you have the following with you while on the phone: NSO certificate, your valid and renewed passport (note: you can't fly if your passport is expiring in six months), flight itinerary, email by the Berlinale Talent Campus which has the details of your official invitation, contact person in germany and hostel address. Once the agent books you an interview, make sure you show up for it and take the soonest date possible.

Embassy Interview:
Never come in late, you'll lose your slot. Worst if you reschedule and you're under a flight deadline then you're pushing it. Tough luck. The visa processing would take around 2 weeks or so (if there are no problems with your records). Be nice and courteous to your interviewer =) dress properly, but don't go overboard, don't come in a tux. Bring all your necessary paper work: passport, official invitation, flight itinerary, photo IDs (to their exact size and embassy specifications, they are strict with these guidelines) travel insurance, proof that you are who you say you are (if you are an actor, bring your playbills, write-ups, press releases, cultural related materials that bears your name). Have these photocopied and submit them to the interviewer for his consideration. Also bring the exact amount of cash for the processing fee. Utang na loob, walang sari-sari store dun para magpa-barya at maawa ka sa mga nakapila sa likod mo.

Wait a nail-biting two weeks for the result- if you get a visa or not. Let's say you do, then it wouldn't be so embarrassing to tell your friends that you are leaving for the Berlinale Talent Campus! BTW, the flight will cost around P60k-65k up for a round-trip fare on economy class (2008 rate)

Hey congratulations! not everyone makes it this far, every year out of thousands they will only select 300 or so and only 4-5 from our country. That's gotta mean something =)

So make the most of your time there, attend all the sessions you can! if you have questions, email me lang.